To my dear men, male identified, to the masculine embodied,
I really don’t know where to begin my apology. I guess I shall start with simply, I’m sorry.
I have not been the best representation of the “Divine Feminine” or woman kind. My treatment towards masculinity brings a guilty feeling in my gut.
As a kid, I mistrusted you. I blamed you all for the sins and hurt brought by the close men in my life. If any man were to offer a hug or a compliment, I would hit them, insult them, and even spit at them. This has even brought some young boys and adult men into tears. Especially, after I would yell at you how much I hated you. I wish I could hold that little girl and tell her that not every male individual is evil. There were good men out there I mistreated. I want to express my disappointment in myself for this.
As I aged to adolescences and I found the companionship of a man slightly more comforting, it did not mean I treated you any better. I lied to you when I told you I loved you. I cheated on you many times when I said I would be loyal. I was fickle with you. I told you that were only good procreation and that you were the scum of humanity. I would especially judge you based on your cultural background.
Once I saw that you found me desirable, I definitely took advantage of that. I would use you to do many favors me: Get me food, pay my rent, buy me gifts. I saw you as an ATM and gave you false hopes that you will receive something more from me. Or, I would expect you to spoil me because I was so arrogant.
Sometimes, when I did become intimate with you, I would disappear the next day, even though you would seek for me. I knew I hurt you, I knew I was using you, and what brings me even more to shame is that I was proud of it. I was relished that I had power over you and that I took advantage of you. I would laugh and brag about the pain I have caused you. I wish I can go back and knock sense into myself about that power hungry addiction I had over you. I was mentally and verbally abusive. When you were at your sweetest, I made sure to insult you and put you down. My heart does cringe thinking about this.
Part of the reason I enjoyed this is because identified more so with my masculinity. I wanted to use what I was taught from the men around me. This was foolish.
A lot of this was caused because of my lack in trust and faith your sex and gender. I saw you for what you were, sometimes less, and never gave chance to what you could become. I had no patience for it. At times, I would rather choose to run away from the issue instead of properly face it if I saw any flaw. (I would do it subconsciously or consciously.) I would nag you, instead of encourage you. I would belittle you, instead of supporting you. I would try to rush you into things that didn’t feel comfortable. I would ignore when you said hi to me and I knew you wanted a genuine friendship. I was so stuck up that I only would speak to you if I thought I could gain something from you. It could have been as shallow as your looks to your status. I would focus on the negative aspects about you to others instead of the positive. Now, to remind you, this person brings into me tears thinking about it. I give a deep apology for this.
I was utterly selfish. I shared no empathy for your pain. I never considered your value; I never considered your feelings with anything. I refused to comprise with you. I refused to listen to you because your opinion did not matter; I saw you as the weaker sex. I didn’t comfort you when you needed it. I would keep a record of your faults to rub in your face later. Also, since I never properly lay my boundaries with you, I would hold any line you crossed unknowingly against you. I never let things go. I would use what I could over and over again until I made sure you were in tears!
This… leaves me… speechless…
I hope this is acknowledgement that there is regret for doing this and the above.
Just as worse as my lying, I refuse to let my wall downs with you. I would shut parts of myself off because I did not feel you that were capable of being part every aspect of my life. I know now that I should be more optimistic and have more faith in you.
For everything that I stated, forgot to state, and more I am sorry. In certain circumstances some of these issues are addressed are overdue. I want to tell you over and over again, how sorry I am. I ask for forgiveness.
I will assure you that I am not that same person.
I accepted my masculinity as something for compassion and good. I use its strength in a more positive light.
I know now to treat you with respect and to have appreciation for the “Divine Masculine”, for all mankind. To embrace you and honor you; to give you a chance and to encourage you to be your best; to give the patience and encouragement you have given me; to be honest and genuine with you.
To my dear men, you are cherished by me. I hope in the future to show my friends and lovers of your gender the best treatment I have to offer.
With compassion, care, and love,
Make up and body work by Tamara Locke
Photo work by Justin Schlesinger Photography
To keep in contact with me either like me on my modeling page: Daisy Night
Or just message me on my actual facebook: www.facebook.com/wickedarling
Fun fact, my legal name means “Morning Dew”
I made this up yeaaaaers ago
So people do look at my tumblr. Besides the NSA?
I am a puppeh!
#steampunk for life!
Hip key up in the air with Madamn Burnz